Always in the peripheral

So I havnt been able to write much recently. I’ve started a new job so am currently working two jobs, attending an evening course 2 nights a week and planning our wedding. All great and interesting things, but they almost feel like distractions. Ways in which I can fill the void that is infertility. 

Doing a 50+ hour week would always have been a no go for me as I’m inherently lazy. It’s saving me at the moment though, I just want to be busy or so exhausted I can’t think. That doesn’t stop it from creeping up on me though; on the bus to work I suddenly think to myself that I may never get to experience breast feeding, as I’m washing dishes I think I might never have the task of hiding vegetables in meals for a small child, the worst one comes when I’m just about to fall asleep and I wonder if anyone will ever call me mum.

Being busy helps, but it doesn’t make it go away. It’s like a niggling thought or something that’s just in the corner of your eye. You can fool yourself it’s not there but your always subconsciously aware. 

X

Trying to communicate with my body

I wish there was an easy way to listen to what my body was telling me. Some are able to do it so effortlessly. 

I’ve been tracking my menstrul cycles for over 2 years now and the only thing which I’ve really been able to notice is that I can get incredibly sensitive up to 10 days before a period. Some months I get pain, other times I don’t. Some times I get cravings, other times I don’t. Some times I bleed for 3 days, sometimes it’s 10 and cycles last between 38 and 127 days. I can’t seem to get a grip on this mucus checking stuff and my temperature bounces up and down like a yoyo. 

With such random cycles it is almost impossible for me to know when/ if I’m ovulating. So many pregnancy books or websites encourage you to “listen to your body”, well I wish I came with a manual because I’m listening and don’t often hear much. 

Does anyone else have this issue? Were you able to do anything to help? I’m aware that every person works differently but it would be interesting to know. X

We can do this!

I’ve had enough of feeling sorry for myself so I’ve decided to be proactive instead of just waiting to be told what to do. 

I’m trying out reflexology. It came recommended by a friend who had previously been told she wouldn’t have children. She started taking pregnacare and had 1 session of reflexology and 2 months later she found out she was pregnant. 

I had my first session about 2 weeks ago and although I’m not 100% sure it’s going to fix my problems, it was definitely interesting. I got asked to say if any sections felt uncomfortable or “burny” and after a while I really felt it in a certain spot. Turns out it was the location which corosponds to my ovaries and womb. I don’t know exactly what this means or if it means anything but I’m going back in a few weeks to give it another go!

I also attended a fertility event run by the fertility network on Saturday. This helped me gain more ideas on what I can do to be more proactive in this. I feel like I have a new lease on life. The people I spoke to who had once been in my position had such a quiet strength. A determination that lit the fire back in my soul. 

The women I met were fierce fertility warriors! They fought their battles long and hard and some did not escape unscathed. Some are still fighting very hard and I’ve decided to join the ranks once more. I will not admit defeat, I’m dusting myself of and throwing myself in…because we can do this!

I hope my new found positivity lasts and I hope you are able to find some this week, you all deserve it. X

Frozen at the waiting room

I’ve not been posting much recently. It’s not because I don’t want to or that I don’t have anything to say, but because nothing has changed. I’m in the same position as when I started this blog. I feel like all these possibilities are laid out in front of me but I’m unable to step on to any new paths. 

At the moment it feels like il be permanently engaged and trying to conceive. This is my life now. I’m a number on a waiting list. The friend who stands there and watches whilst another friend has a baby or gets married. The one who has to laugh off the “it’ll be you next” comments. 

With every step forward comes another step back. Wedding plans are on hold as I’ve lost my job. I’ve had another period and whilst I’m thankful that this cycle was under 50 days it’s still tinged by the sadness that my body still isn’t doing what I want it to. 

So all of this continues to rush around my head, I sit there night after night thinking, what if it’s never my turn? What if my number never gets called and I’m stuck frozen in this waiting room forever, clutching tight on to my number, hoping and wishing that it’s me next. 

So do I continue writing this blog? I either continue and write posts which are almost identical. Or I just give it up and sit silently and patiently, I stop repeating the same old crap in my head. I don’t know anymore…all I know is that il never stop waiting for them to call my number. 

X

Baby showers and uncertainty

You are invited to join us for our baby shower!

Words I can just about smile to and accept. But today is the day of the shower and all I can think is “please, not today”. 

Yesterday I received a letter from the fertility specialists to inform me that whilst I had been told I would have a 6 week wait (I’ve already been waiting since May), unfortunately the wait had been now been increased to 28 weeks from the date of the letter. Yeah, you read that right 28 WEEKS!

Whilst I understand the pressures being put on our health services at the moment, I can’t seem to move past “this isn’t fair”. I get told I’m not ovulating and have unidentifiable fertility issues and that a specialist will be able to help more and now I’m just left with that. I have no idea what may help or worsen my situation, I’m left with no guidance or support. 

After having a mini meltdown yesterday my fiancé has now suggested that we push our wedding date back so we are able to focus more on the fertility issues. I just cried, I’ve tried to explain that the wedding is my distraction, it’s my way of coping. It’s the reason I can smile at people’s pregnancy announcement because I know I have my own thing to look forward to. I feel like everything is so uncertain. 

And now, the baby shower is today. I’m not sure how I’m going to smile through this one but it’s what we do isn’t it? We smile on the outside and congratulate the happy couple. We wait until we’re alone to deal with our grief and exasperation. We open up that little bit of ourselves that craves to hold a baby of our own and let it out. 

X

Mourning the sister I never met

Today is my big sisters 27th birthday. Only there has been no celebrations or cards. Nothing. 

My sister died when she was a day old. I never got to meet her. Apparently she looked just like me but had my brother and fathers colour. And every year I almost forget it’s her birthday and every year I feel awful about it. That’s not to say I don’t think about her. 

I remember I used to cry sometimes wishing I had an older sibling to help me. Other times I would smile wondering if she was with me and had witnessed what I’d achieved. If think of how incredible she is and what would she look like now. 

It’s a funny thing to miss someone I never got to meet. I’ve always known about her and I’ve always struggled with the thought am I aloud to grieve? 

My mum completely gets it though and I think she’s happy to have someone to share her thoughts with as my parents are separated so the one person who went through it with her is no longer in her life. 

This year has been one of the hardest for my mum though, my sisters name is Moana. A name that unless it was spoken between us was virtually never spoken in our lives. Now, it’s everywhere! I went to see the film straight away and cried nearly all the way through. I’d hoped that my big sister was happy to have a princess named after her and that she would have been just as strong as the girl in the movie. My mum still can’t watch it though. 

I still miss her. I still wish I had my big sister. I sometimes wish she was here to help me through all of this fertility stuff, to hold my hand and give me strength. I want to know if I’d be an auntie, if we’d be close, I just want to know her. 

So happy birthday Moana, I love you without limits or boundaries x

Spiralling into a dark place

I got my period yesterday and it seems to have sent me in to some awful spiral. I couldn’t smile at my heavily pregnant best friend…instead I went into auto pilot and cried into a cup of tea when I got home. My fiancé rubbed my back to soothe me but I couldn’t quite handle looking at him with his sad eyes and his “it’ll be ok”. 

I sent myself to bed for a nap but instead got a phone call from my mum, it was about how my grandfather is really unwell and we’re going to have to start “expecting the inevitable”. This worsens my spiral and sends my into sobbing fits. 

We watched how I met your mother whilst eating dinner, Lily tells Marshall she’s scared she will let him down by not being able to have a baby and that maybe there’s something wrong with her. This happens moments before I decide to wash the dishes, so I can cry without my fiancé. 

And today, I couldn’t get out of bed. My heart physically aches. I have a wedding to go to tomorrow and I just can’t handle knowing the masses of family who will ask when is it my turn, when will we have a baby? I just want to scream at them… “I DONT KNOW!” 

But how could they possibly know that actually that’s all I want right now? How could they know without me telling them. But then you risk that look, mouth slightly open, eyes wide in surprise with a touch of sadness. That moment where they don’t quite know what to say, the moment where I wonder if I’ve said too much by sharing my burden. I hate it. 

So although I post once a week on a Sunday. I needed today. I needed to write something in hopes that something can pull me out of this downward spiral. Sorry for the rambling. X

Not in the mood?

Does anyone else find there is so much pressure to make a baby when trying to conceive?

Gone are the days of flirtatious looks and lingering touches. It’s become a chore of sorts. Like eating your 5 a day. 

“The doctor says twice a week minimum, so that’s what we’ll do!”

When did the romance seep away and become replaced by a clock, reminding us what we must do? When did it stop becoming something that left a smile on our lips and instead left me with my legs in the air for 10 minutes, willing my body to do what it’s supposed to? 

Maybe this isn’t something I should share online but it’s been on my mind a lot. Is this just me or do other couples with fertility issues feel this way? 

It doesn’t help that with extremely irregular periods I have absolutely no idea when I’m ovulating. The regular tricks don’t seem to work on me so there never seems to be an end in sight or a plan to work to. Just a monotonous, twice a week chore. 

Luckily it hasn’t seeped into other areas of our relationship, but I wonder for how long?

Too many questions…nowhere near enough answers. 

Until next time x

Waiting game

At the moment me and my partner are waiting for an appointment with the fertility specialist. The wait has almost become an entity itself, with my close friends all checking on me to ask how the wait is going. 

The truth is some days I can’t get out of bed, it sounds silly but it’s true. With so much uncertainty around my fertility it makes it hard for me to manage. I’ve always liked facts and knowing exactly what’s going on, so for a doctor to tell me there’s a problem which they can’t identify yet, is terrifying to me. I can’t research it or look for success stories. I just have the wait. 

It’s not always so bad, this week I had my graduation ceremony and it was lovely to focus on something else for the day. There are times I can just let my mind be in the moment, sometimes a lunch date with a friend or whilst I’m in work. These moments are a lifeline during the wait. 

One thing which is making this process harder is that in the UK our health system is undergoing massive cuts. Recently 3 fertility centres have shut down and in my area they’ve cut staffing down so much that there is now only ever one person working. This person has to do the admin and reception tasks as well as seeing to patients. It means we have no idea how long we’re going to have to wait until we see a specialist. It also leaves me scared for the future. What if a time comes where I will need IVF to conceive or something else and there just won’t be the facilities available. 

Dwelling on the future and it’s many possibilities doesn’t do much good so I’m trying to keep positive. Using this space to write my weekly thoughts has become a massive help though.

If anyone reads this and has been through it, how did you manage through the wait? Were there things which helped at all?

Until next time x

The start

When I was younger all I wanted was to grow up and be a mummy myself. I never imagined that there would be a problem with that. Growing up I’d always have irregular periods, again I didn’t think it would be a problem. 

When I was 19 I decided to use the implant as a form of contraception. I was on this for a year and it was awful. I seemed to be on my period for 3/4 weeks at a time, I had incredibly bad acne and I my weight jumped from a healthy 9 and a half stone to 13 stone. Towards the end of that year I was also put on a contraceptive pill to help my periods regulate. Somehow through all of that I got pregnant, I didn’t know though and ended up in hospital after chronic stomach pains. I’d lost the baby, most likely to all the extra hormones in my body, and my body hadn’t been able to expel what was left. It was heartbreaking but I had my lovely partner to support me through. 

After that I had the implant taken out, but I never went back to normal. Instead of irregular periods which varied between 27 and 40 days, they vary from 27 to 129 days. I get horrible pains where my ovaries are, I still get acne and I’ve been unable to lose any weight. 

A few months ago I went to the doctors after trying to conceive for 11 months. After many blood tests I’ve been told I have unidentifiable fertility issues. I am on a waiting list for a fertility specialist and it’s torture. 

I hate not knowing if this is forever, I hate not knowing how to fix it and I hate that my future seems uncertain. 

So this is my “sob story”. This is why I have started this blog. 

If anyone else has experienced anything similar, feel free to contact me. It’s a lonely place without much support in place.